I can't even begin to count the number of times my friends and family have heard me utter those words. It's 1992, I'm watching the draft, and Orlando's pending selection has all the suspense of watching the Chicago Bulls on ESPN Classic. Yeah, yeah, Simmons (as if he'll read this) I know. You hooked up Orlando vs. Chicago circa 1995. But before then has Jordan ever lost on Classic? Oh I digress. That's another post for another day.
Stern, keep it in your pants!
"With the first pick of the 1992 NBA draft the Orland Magic selects Shaquille O'Neal from Louisiana State University." Is it me or do Shaq and Stern share the longest handshake in history? By my count there are 34 shakes between the two. 34! To put this in perspective extend you hand and perform the handshake motion 34 times. Ridiculous. As an extra bonus pay attention to Stern’s left hand during the shake…very suspicious. This will not be the last of their awkward exchanges.
I'm not sure if it was the moment Shaq was selected ("Who me?") or shortly thereafter when my disdain for the almighty Diesel affixed itself to my soul. I can't put my finger on the when but throughout his career I've known why. Oh I've known why. I've had countless arguments with friends, strangers, and whoever else was base gobblin' him at the time. While everyone loved his goofy, child-like persona I saw lack a focus and immaturity. "He'll never win a title acting like a clown all the time." Others marveled at his power and inside dominance. I’d respond, "If he's so damn dominant, how come he's never led the league in blocks, boards, or selected defensive MVP?" And for a time there was always, "How many titles does he have?" When LA brought in Rice I knew that argument was gone so I hated him because Buss bought him a title. And don't even get me started about free throws. "It's not his fault. His hands are too big." For fu*ks sake that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Give me a hundo mil, a solid month of practice, and I'll flick popcorn kernels into Stewart Scott's lazy eye from 15 feet.
The hate was deep. Not LL Cool J vs. Kool Moe D type hate but it was bitter. By the way, LL is one most underrated rappers of all time. Only he could pull of "I Need Love" and make it work. Think I'm kidding. Picture Eminem, Kanye, or DMX...no way. Or even better, imagine 50 and that lisp of his spittin “Clean and unsthoiled yet sthweaty and wet/I sthwear to you thith is sthomething I’ll never forget…bing, bing, bing…”
From The Man of Steel to Robin
Fast forward to the 2006 NBA Finals. Miami had just wrapped up their first title and Stern is presenting the Finals MVP trophy. The awkwardness of these situations makes them priceless. It's like a beauty pageant with all the contestants trying to feign they're not dying to hear their name. But this one was awkward for a different reason. Everyone knew Wade was the MVP. But did Shaq? The Daddy had won the MVP in all three of his previous finals victories and here we were on live TV, witnessing the changing of the guard. It seems great athletes are often the last to recognize their descent and I was focused on studying his reaction. Would he be shocked? Noticeably disappointed? I can't think of another moment in sports when this shift was so transparent. It was literally playing out on stage before everyone's eyes. Imagine ABC televising the meeting when SI told Heidi Klum that she couldn't be in the swimsuit edition anymore because Bar Refaeli (sitting across the table) was taking her spot. This is what we were watching.
As Stern starts to conclude his modified "star of stars" speech (I'm convinced he only has one speech that gets slightly tweaked each time) Shaq inexplicably begins to reach for the MVP trophy. This is like watching a train wreck and I'm loving every minute of it. Stern, noticeably thrown by Shaq's advances, still manages to declare D Wade the MVP then begins to hand him the trophy only to have it hijacked by O'Neal! At this point my hands are on my head, my mouth is open, and my heart is pumping faster than Yao's pituitary. I'm praying the Big Aristotle raises the trophy only to realize in mid celebration what's happened. My hopes are crushed. Shaq collects the hardware in one swift motion and with that classic grin, graciously hands it to Wade.
I Am a Fu*ken Moron
Something happened at that exact moment. I was flooded with regret. The feelings hit me like a head butt from Oliver Miller (Stay tuned for top 10 domes in the NBA). What have I done? For 14 years I've criticized Shaq's every word, performance, and decisions. For 14 years I've taken pleasure in his failures, disappointments, and misfortunes. For 14 years I've been a damn fool. I failed to appreciate one of the most talented and genuine basketball players of all time. And now his career is almost over.
As Shaq's career comes to an end I feel compelled to savor all his goofy antics and flashes of brilliance. The monster dunks. The silly celebrations. The classic quotes. But he’s changed a lot since 1992. The trigger-quick reactions of his youth are no longer there. He's matured, becoming more methodical and calculated. And with it better decision making. I get the sense we're on similar paths. I’m Sorry Shaq.
6 comments:
Well, even though a lot of the references were beyond my grasp I thoroughly enjoyed this. I especially liked the showdown between Heidi and Bar. Bar? Really? Heidi 4eva!
Your eldest niece had her first basketball practice yesterday. We can discuss the way the Boomers killed youth sports and how my generation continues the tradition another time.
i am glad you pulled it together at the end. Don't know why you needed to be such a hater.
BTW, How did you like Shaq Fu
Ahh, I'm still Shaq hater. Well not that I hate him, I don't blame him using his size to its fullest advantage. I just think his success has nothing to do with talent and everything to do with size advantage.
When your 7' 1" and 300+ pounds and your goal is to put a basketball in a hoop 10 feet high, you have a nice advantage. Imagine him at even at an average NBA height of 6'7" with his skills and he would be average at best.
I guess I'm not hatin him as a person. I just have a hard time calling him a great player when the guy doesn't even have skill, he can just turn around and put the ball in the basket. I guess his skill is knowing how to use his size advantage for basketball.
This shows me that the Shaq haters always have the same complaint, they don't like the way he plays the game. He is the biggest strongest guy on the court, with excellent footwork and finishing ability. Why would he not use those abilities to his greatest advantage. A very short list of NBA players have used their abilities as well.
I hate Shaq...and STILL hate him. I can't believe you caved in man. It is easy to like Shaq. But try picturing him in a Police uniform and you can join back into the Haterz club.
It's the skills coupled with the passion that drew me in. "His success has nothing to do with talent and everything to do with size advantage." Talent is defined as the natural endowments of a person. His success is as rooted in talent as Einstein's.
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